outside the box

   As most of you know, my youngest son, Nathan, is a handful. I always say he has forced me to learn to parent outside the box. Unfortunately, sometimes I get lost out here and panic because it's harder out here and I just want back inside the box. When I do manage to climb back inside the box it's usually only for a minute because I am quickly reminded that inside the box isn't home any more and I was evicted over eight years ago. Other parents are living in there now and while I desperately want to be one of those parents, it just isn't possible anymore.
   Everyday is a new day with Nathan. It won't be like yesterday and it definitely won't be like tomorrow. It will only be like right now, in this moment. Someone recently shared with me a passage out of a book written by a father of a child with Aspergers Syndrom. He wrote that a person doesn't really understand what living with Aspergers is like until they have walked with it daily. Until they have woken it up in the morning, fed it breakfast, driven it to school, helped it with its homework...  No truer statement has ever been made! I think this is true for any situation. Until you live with something yourself, day in and day out, you really do not have the full picture.
   We recently made a very tough decision to pull Nathan from public school and home-school. I am overwhelmed, scared, and excited all in one. I want so badly to make life better for Nathan. I want him to be successful in whatever he puts his mind to. I want him to find joy again.
   It's been a tough week finding our rhythm in our new roles as student and teacher, but he has really responded well to the more relaxed atmosphere. I am excited at the thought that he will be able to get so much more done now. His focus can finally be where it needs to be instead of on all the stiff, robotic expectations of public school that were overwhelming him.
   We've both been reduced to tears a time or two as we continue to learn our limitations and the importance of taking five from time to time, but then there have also been quite a few laughs. Like the other morning when he came to the table with half of his eyebrow missing! "Nathan, what happened to your eyebrow?" I asked very nonchalantly. "Well, I was shaving my face and when I got to my forehead my hand slipped and I got part of my eyebrow." he says calmly as if shaving his face and especially forehead is a normal morning ritual. (he is 8 by the way!) Then he follows that with a quick statement about how he knows he shouldn't have done that and how really, he shouldn't have even had a razor in his hands. I just simply stared at the oddly shaped brow a few seconds longer, took a deep breath, agreed with what he said and moved on. Then during our first assignment he interrupts me to ask if I think daddy will notice. I had to laugh. "Yes, Nathan. I think daddy will notice you are missing part of your eyebrow." We couldn't help but laugh at how crazy it was that we were even having this conversation.
   Nathan can be challenging in many ways, but he is also loving, extremely intelligent, and hilarious! He amazes me on a daily basis with the things he thinks about and the ideas he comes up with. He is mischievous and inquisitive. He likes to know how things work and discover new and exciting things. He loves to work outside with his daddy, build things and grow things. He loves animals and is fearless. It is the lack of fear and mischievous characteristics that get him into trouble the most! lol!! 
   It's hard for parents of children with special needs because you get so much outside "advice" or criticism that it can be very easy to fall into the habit of feeling like you are failing. It's important to remember that you are still a good parent. You are just "outside the box" now. It's harder, scarier, and definitely more exhausting, but it challenges you to become a better parent. It makes you realize your strengths and shows you your weaknesses. In the end it makes you stronger.

      So, while parenting Nathan may not be the easiest job I have ever been given, it is by far the most interesting! I feel blessed to have been given three amazing kids, and even more humbled that God believes I am able to handle all the challenges of being a good mom to each of them.
~Thank you Lord for this responsibility and for never leaving my side through the journey!!